Ambiguity is something which has been there in my life from the very beginning. When I was in my 5th standard, I topped in my class and was amongst the best of the brains of my age. But still I was denied a seat in a reputed institution as I couldn't answer a single question in the interview, in spite of knowing all the answers. I am known as an extremely extrovert and outspoken guy amongst my acquaintances. But, contrary to that I am seen as a shy and introvert person in my work place. I am a person with an equivocal identity, an identity which is open to several interpretations of uncertain significance.
My attitude towards life are characterized not only by ambiguity and moral doubts, but also by some uncertainty as to what is involved in making gainful use of my potential. When I was three years old, my father got me admitted into a public school. My teachers discovered that while I did reasonably well in most subjects, I got every answer to every question in arithmetic right. It was the same in high school; I got full marks in arithmetic, algebra and geometry. Those were blissful days. All I wanted was to get through JEE and enter one of the IITs. The most "in" thing to do at that point of time and space. I appeared in JEE twice and couldn't clear the cut off of Chemistry. Eventually, I ended up getting into a deemed university in south through AIEEE. Nothing of consequence happened in college, except that I got a job of software engineer with Infosys. I joined Infy six months later than my scheduled joinig date, worked there for three months, resigned and joined my present employer thinking that I will get to do some quality work here. While I continue doing pretty mediocre work, I have potentially jeopardized my chances of getting into an IIM. By leaving Infy and joining this company, I have not only compromised on brand but also shifted to a domain not meant for engineers.
In last 4-5 years, nothing has happened the way I desired. My dreams and aspirations are dying and am losing the self respect I used to have. I need to get myself out of all perplexities; or rather, I have to get the perplexities out of myself.
This one is for my friend Shijith;
In search of glory and in search of delight,
I know, I have to put on a long fight.
When thee said, thy were right,
that I will end up being petite.
